cruel summer

June 11, 2008 at 1:20 pm (Uncategorized)

Most of the time I really am fairly fat-positive as regards my own body. I’ve learned how to dress it, I’m more or less mobile, I don’t have any significant health problems. I like the way my belly sticks out and squishes, I like my boobs, I’ve even begun to come to terms with the double chin. But summer sorely tests all my resolve.

There was a heat wave for the past four days here in the northeast U.S., and the air conditioning couldn’t keep up to the 98-degree heat and high humidity. I had to catch a bus to the other campus to see my psychiatrist and I wanted to die. Nobody likes hot, humid weather. Having sweat get trapped in between my rolls, under my breasts? The sweaty, sticky feeling of my thighs sticking and rubbing together? Misery. I found myself wishing I was thinner, just so there would be less of me to sweat, fewer crevices to stick and trap that heat. And I know being thinner wouldn’t actually help. Maybe if I was just a brain in a jar.

Making matters even worse? I had my period. And I’m going to put further discussion of this behind a cut, because I’m going to get graphic and I know some people don’t want to read that. I’ve been on the pill for the past few years, because I get debilitating menstrual cramps, and I’ve been on Seasonale since last fall – where you get your period once every three months. And I love not having my period. Except… okay. The first period I was supposed to get, I skipped, because I had heard the period on the pill was just fake bleeding. And that worked out okay, but then I had spotting for about a month and a half. I went to health services and was told that “THE ENDOMETRIUM MUST SHED.” Seriously, the woman was speaking in all caps. So the period after that was okay, and I guess that’s because of the spotting. But this one, I was spot-free and then suddenly it’s like Niagra Falls plus the prom from Carrie in my uterus. Everybody gets squishy clots occasionally, right? I’m getting huge ones, every few hours. I’ve bled through four pairs of panties and ruined a set of sheets. I am incredibly bloated and a little spacey and exhausted. I’ve been spending a lot of time curled up on my stripped matress with a towel under me, instead of working on my papers for the two incomplete courses I need to finish..

Again. BRAIN IN A JAR. Or a head in a jar, like on Futurama. Because I don’t think I’ll be allowed to turn my uterus in for a refund.

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