January 10, 2009 at 4:45 pm (Uncategorized)

It’s really hard to move more when it’s January in New England. Last week we had a storm that didn’t match up to the monumental ice storm before Christmas, but there was a lot of rain and light slush that all froze solid. The bottom of our driveway is a sheet of ice. I’ve fallen down twice just taking the dog out to pee, once on my hands and once (really hard) on my ass. And on New Year’s Eve I managed to wrench my bad ankle pretty badly in the snow because I couldn’t see where the sidewalk ended. So I haven’t been getting out much; I even canceled a counseling appointment because I would have basically had to ice skate over there.

In line with the resolution I was thinking of getting some exercise programs after a friend recommended Yoga Booty Ballet to me. And then I could move without risking a broken neck. I went to a community where I download movies. (HOMG YES I AM EVIL let’s get past that right now.) And there’s an offshoot community for just exercise videos, which is cool. Less cool: all the dieting and weight-loss talk. They’re having a “Twenty Pounds More Fabulous By Easter” challenge, which freaks me right the fuck out because more fabulous? Bitches, I am plenty fucking fabulous at 270.

– Which, tangent: I ended up getting officially weighed for the first time in a really long time last month. Mom hooked me up with her doctor’s office so I could get a refill prescription on my meds, and they didn’t have a file and they started one. Which meant weighing and age and blood pressure but, oddly, not my height. And it was a digital readout rather than the clanky old scales with the big metal things they move around, which was sort of cool. And now I have an official semi-recent number: 270. Fine by me, I guess. THE OTHER COOL THING is that I got my blood pressure checked and according to the nurse it was fine and dandy. That’s great, because the last time I had it checked it was rather high… but I was at school and stressed the fuck out over my entire life falling apart and living off terrible processed food. Score one for living at home, I guess. And now back to our story.

Anyway, I have a hard time reading all this weight-loss stuff as I go through looking for videos. I’ve been allying myself with fat acceptance (or Fat Acceptance if we wanna call it a movement) for over a year now, since I sent in my picture to the Shapely Prose BMI Project. And yet I still have thoughts of “wow I look so fat,” “life sure would be better if I weren’t so fat.” I think a lot less about dieting but I still have recurrent thoughts about magically being thinner. I don’t know if these videos are going to be all about the weight loss rather than just exercise: does it matter if my sculpted buns and ripping abs are under a nice cushiony layer of fat? Will I be able to get through these without wanting to scream and then go eat a bowl of cookie dough? We’ll see. If this doesn’t work I’m stealing my sister’s DDR mat and going to town with those.

Crap, I’m gonna have to buy a new sports bra.


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