March 10, 2009 at 10:42 pm (Uncategorized)

I finally got a chance to talk to the ballet teacher after class – previously she’s been occupied with other people, and two weeks we didn’t have class (school vacation and then inclement weather) – about my heels not touching. That’s one of the things she corrects me on, usually, not having my heels together in first position. Turns out? It’s not so much my calves of steel or big thighs that prevent my heels from getting close. It’s my knees hyperextending – they actually flex backwards a little when I have my legs straight, which pushes my feet forwards and away from each other in that position. So it’s not about the fat at all. Crazy.

In other news: I HAVE A JOB. It’s only a few hours in the afternoon, but I’m grateful to have it in this economy.

In other other news: (cut for excessive rambling) I’ve been losing weight. My mom’s scale is somewhat wacky, in that it usually reads lower, but it’s consistently wacky. And according to that I’ve lost a good 25 pounds since last fall/winter. I don’t keep track that closely because it would drive me insane, but I do hop on every week or so just out of curiosity. And the loss has been pretty consistent according to her scale.

Now, there are a lot of good reasons for that. I started eating better when I moved home – at school I was living off boxed mac’n’cheese and tuna-corn-rice with mayo, whereas here my dad cooks amazingly well and vegetables show up on a regular basis. I take the dog for walks. I walk to town because it’s like two blocks. More recently I’ve been taking the bus to work and walking there from the bus stop, which is about a mile. I’ve been taking the bus to counseling on campus and walking back from there, which is a little bit more than a mile. I got a root canal in the middle of February, and that’s messed up my ability to eat (I can’t chew on that side, but the other side has some issues too, so chewing often sucks) so I’m eating less. Not starvation less, but eating takes SO LONG that I just give up after I’ve had a small meal. I’ve been at work and on the phone instead of at home with food available if I get snacky.

All these little things that, if I stop to think about it and add them up, make sense. And I guess staying at 280 would have been unrealistic; I only got up that high due to really sedentary habits and some awful emotional lows that were dealt with through ice cream. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but it’s not something I’ve kept up. I mostly find it weird because I didn’t do any of this on purpose. I always had to work to lose weight before, because my body was probably reasonably happy where it was when I was actually dieting and working out hardcore. It’s not like I’m exhausted or cranky or shaky or fixated on food. (Except for last week when my PMS demanded Doritos. Mm, nacho cheese.) It’s just… happening. And I haven’t noticed. I haven’t noticed my pants being looser – they’re spandex-infused, they get loose and fall down anyway because the elastic stretches out. Are they looser than they would have been otherwise? Maybe. I don’t know. It’s very strange to think that this has been going on and I didn’t really pay any attention to it.

And now, of course, I am battling all the old societally mandated thoughts. I could totally keep this up! Cut back! Walk BACK from work! Stop eating ice cream! More walks with the dog! Go back to low-fat and fat-free and sugar-free stuff! Never having fries when I want to! But jesus, that sounds hard. And exhausting. And joyless. I’m resistant to walking back from work because that involves crossing a very busy highway to catch the return bus. I want to take the dog for more walks because I’m the only one who walks him during the day, but that’s about him, not my ass, and it has to do with me getting my act together in the mornings. I had a salad today at lunch with my sushi, but then I had sweet potato fries and a burger for dinner, because dammit, this place has the best sweet potato fries ever.

And Girl Scout Cookie ice cream is one of the purest pleasures on earth.


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